Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Why The Lions Have No Hope With Ford
Thanks to Doug Warren for posting this on another website, a great and historically accurate indictment of the Lions and the real reasons why they suck!
Note: I wrote this in response to a post on the SpartanMag.com board where I was questioned for claiming that William Clay Ford doesn't care about winning. I'm posting here for discussion as well seeing as how many of you are up in arms once again about the Lions.
__________________
Pardon the length, but I wanted to state my case:
Since 1964, no NFL team has been as poorly run as the Detroit Lions.
That is due to one man and one man only, William Clay Ford Sr.
For is responsible for the hiring of two of the worst GM’s in NFL history. Russ Thomas and Matt Millen.
Thomas (1964-1989) and Millen (2001-2008) ran the franchise for a combined 33 years. The Lions record W-L under their leadership: 193-246-13 (.430). In only 5 of those 33 years did the Lions finish above .500.
During the course of Ford’s entire 44-year tenure, their record is 281-334-13 (.450). The Lions are 1-9 in the playoffs and have been outscored by a combined 395-174 in those playoff games. The Lions have 15 seasons of 10 or more losses under Ford’s ownership.
Contrary to popular belief today, the Lions were not always big spenders. During the NFL v. AFL bidding wars, the Lions were constantly beat out by the AFL in signing their draft picks. In 1960, they lost the 3rd overall choice, (HB Johnny Robinson) to the Dallas Texans. In 1962, they lost 10th overall choice, (QB John Hadl) to the San Diego Chargers. Ford was part of the Lions’ ownership group during both those events.
During the first two years of Ford’s sole ownership (1964-65), the draft defections continued. The Lions lost a first round pick (QB Pete Beathard) and two third round choices ( T Gerry Philbin and WR Fred Biletnikoff) to AFL teams. Philbin was a starter for the New York Jets in SBIII and Biletnikoff is in the Hall of Fame as an Oakland Raider. Only the merger of the talent draft with the AFL in 1967 saved the Lions from further embarrassment in this matter. Good thing too, because I find it hard to believe that Mel Farr and Lem Barney - the Lions’ first and second round picks that year - would have both signed with the Lions in 1967 had they been given other options. Under the leadership of William Clay Ford and Russ Thomas, the Lions did not spend money.
The Lions drafts under Thomas from 1970 through 1984 were largely horrid. For every Keith Dorney (1st Rd. 1979) and Billy Sims (1st Rd. 1980), there was a Mark Nichols (1st Rd 1981) or and Earnest Price (1st Rd. 1973). Thomas choosing FB James Jones with the 13th overall selection in 1983 while future Hall of Fame QB’s Jim Kelly and Dan Marino was still on the board is still a head scratcher. I guess old Russ thought Eric Hipple and Gary Danielson were good enough and Billy Sims needed a little help.
High profile holdouts and contract disputes were commonplace for the Lions during the 1970’s and 1980’s under Thomas: Charlie Sanders, Billy Sims, Bubba Baker, Barry Sanders, Chuck Long were just some of the names. In the 1990’s under Thomas protege Chuck Schmidt, things got even worse. Here is an excerpt of a column I wrote when I worked for Scout.com’s Lions site, before I joined Comp and Company and SpartanMag and Rivals in the fall of 2005:
Scout.com: Money Matters: Millen, Lewand Do It Right
“Chuck Schmidt, the Lions Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer from December 1989-thru-January 2001, was a notorious player of contract hardball. Year in and year out, Lions players, be they rookies or veterans, found themselves embroiled in contract holdouts. Some of the names from that period include:
Barry Sanders (twice)
Andre Ware
Lomas Brown (at least twice)
Kevin Glover (twice)
Robert Porcher
Bennie Blades (twice)
Luther Ellis
Ryan McNeil
Jeff Hartings
Bryant Westbrook
Aaron Gibson
Schmidt, who graduated with honors from the Russ Thomas School of Contract Armageddon, repeatedly placed either franchise tags or transition tags on veteran players. Then if things got testy when talks began (and they nearly always did) Schmidt would pull the Lions’ initial offer off the table and replace it with a much lower one.
One of the most infamous incidents occurred after the 1995 season. That offseason, after the Lions had already let Chris Spielman, Lomas Brown and Willie Clay walk in free agency; Schmidt fought with Bennie Blades over a new deal well into June before releasing him. By that time of course, many of the other NFL teams had already signed their free agents, thereby drying up the money pool.
The move put Blades in a major bind; and he was forced to re-sign with the Lions at a ridiculously lower salary for one final season before leaving Detroit to sign with the Seahawks in early 1997.”
It wasn’t until the Matt Millen/Tom Lewand era in the last decade that contract disputes and holdouts have become uncommon. It is one of the only things this franchise deserves credit for of late. Too bad that all that big spending has been on football players only their mothers could love.
As far as the facilities go, until Ford Field the Lions facilities were average at best. During the Silverdome days, because the Lions were in a shared facility, they would often get booted out of the Silverdome - onto an adjacent outdoor field or a practice bubble during bad weather - when concerts or other events came to the Dome. They had no real practice or training camp “complex” to speak of until the one in Allen Park was built. Ford deserves credit for Ford Field as well as the Allen Park complex. They are top-notch and among the best in the history of the league.
As far as sizzle decisions go, the Lions under Ford are ripe with them, especially over the last 15 years.
The biggest sizzle move, aside from draft choices, was the Bobby Ross hire. Ross was on the downside of his career when he was hired by the Lions in January 1997. The Lions wanted a tough guy to replace Wayne Fontes and went for a guy who was run out of San Diego because he refused to bring his offense into the 20th century. So Ross came to Detroit and within two years did three things:
1. Lost the entire Lions’ lockerroom due to the benching of Scott Mitchell two weeks into the 1998 season in favor of rookie Charlie Batch.
2. Alienated Mitchell’s favorite target and the greatest receiver in Lions’ history, Herman Moore, sending him into virtual exile by omitting him from the game plans.
After the debacle of a 5-11 season in 1998, the first courting of Matt Millen by the Lions took place. William Clay Ford Jr. led the charge and verbal agreement between Ford Sr. and Millen took place where Millen was to take over the team as the new GM. However, when head coach and defacto GM Bobby Ross threw a temper tantrum about Millen’s pending arrival; Old Man Ford reneged on the Millen deal and kept Ross for another season and a half, which led to number three:
3. Lions’ meal ticket Barry Sanders early retirement eight months later.
When Barry left, Ross struggled with a depleted and alienated roster - due to his and Chuck Schmidt’s mismanagement - for the next season and a half and resigned nine games into the 2000 season due to severe burnout.
Enter Matt Millen, two years after the 1998 backdoor deal was squashed by the idiot owner has never been able to get out of his own way.
We all know how that decision worked out. I don’t need to rehash Millen’s tenure. His record is beyond description. However, lost in the shuffle of the Millen debacle was what I believe to be the biggest mistake the Lions have made in the last 25 years.
When Millen arrived in 2001, he not only fired Gary Moeller - who just weeks before had been given a contract extension by William Clay Ford - Millen fired a man named Ron Hughes. Some of you may recognize the name. Hughes at the time was the Lions’ Director of Player Personnel. Hughes had held that job for a decade, a decade which saw Detroit draft players like Herman Moore, Robert Porcher, Tracy Scroggins, Jason Hansen, Willie Clay, Ty Hallock, Johnnie Morton, Luther Ellis, David Sloan, Stephen Boyd, Cory Schlesinger, Reggie Brown and Jeff Hartings. IMO, Hughes was the best player personnel man the Lions have had had since the 1950’s when head coach Buddy Parker ran the show and drafted and traded the Lions to three NFL titles.
Where did Hughes go after being fired by Millen. To Pittsburgh, first as a consultant and then in May 2003, he was promoted to the Steelers' director of college scouting.
Since 2003, here are some of the draft picks Hughes has brought to the Steel City:
2004: QB Ben Rothlisberger (1st); OT Max Starks (3rd)
2005: TE Heath Miller (1st); OT Trai Essex (3rd); OG Chris Kemoeatu (4th)
2006: WR Santonio Holmes (1st); OT Willie Colon (4th)
2007: LB Lawrence Timmons (1st); LB LaMarr Woodley (2nd); TE Matt Spaeth (3rd); P Daniel Sepulveda (4th); CB William Gay (5th); WR Dallas Baker (6th)
2008: RB Rashard Mendenhall (1st); WR Limas Sweed (2nd); LB Bruce Davis (3rd); LT Tony Hills (4th); QB Dennis Dixon (5th); S Ryan Mundy (6th)
All of those 19 players were on the Steelers roster when they won their second Superbowl in four years last February.
This is what Hughes had to say in an article back in 2003 about his time in Detroit.
Scout.com: Ron Hughes joins Steelers quest for ring
”I'm proud of what we did in Detroit. Did we win the Super Bowl? No," Hughes said. "But the NFC Central was the toughest division in football during the '90s. If you go back and look, the number of teams that went to the playoffs, the NFC Central had the most. And the NFC Central had the most wins over that 10-year span. That's not just three or four years, that's 10 years. Every year for 10 years, they sent two teams to the playoffs. Four times they sent three and two times they sent four. No other division has ever done that. It was very hard to win there."
Another thing worthy of note is how many Millen castoffs (Jeff Hartings, Charlie Batch, Chidi Iwoma, Travis Kirschke and Sean McHugh) have ended up in Pittsburgh. Hughes, Batch and Kirschke have two Super Bowl rings. Hartings, Iwoma and McHugh have one.
Of course we all know how many rings the Lions have.
William Clay Ford is a moron. He has always been a moron. And the Lions don’t have a snowballs chance in hell of winning until he is no longer in the picture.
Note: I wrote this in response to a post on the SpartanMag.com board where I was questioned for claiming that William Clay Ford doesn't care about winning. I'm posting here for discussion as well seeing as how many of you are up in arms once again about the Lions.
__________________
Pardon the length, but I wanted to state my case:
Since 1964, no NFL team has been as poorly run as the Detroit Lions.
That is due to one man and one man only, William Clay Ford Sr.
For is responsible for the hiring of two of the worst GM’s in NFL history. Russ Thomas and Matt Millen.
Thomas (1964-1989) and Millen (2001-2008) ran the franchise for a combined 33 years. The Lions record W-L under their leadership: 193-246-13 (.430). In only 5 of those 33 years did the Lions finish above .500.
During the course of Ford’s entire 44-year tenure, their record is 281-334-13 (.450). The Lions are 1-9 in the playoffs and have been outscored by a combined 395-174 in those playoff games. The Lions have 15 seasons of 10 or more losses under Ford’s ownership.
Contrary to popular belief today, the Lions were not always big spenders. During the NFL v. AFL bidding wars, the Lions were constantly beat out by the AFL in signing their draft picks. In 1960, they lost the 3rd overall choice, (HB Johnny Robinson) to the Dallas Texans. In 1962, they lost 10th overall choice, (QB John Hadl) to the San Diego Chargers. Ford was part of the Lions’ ownership group during both those events.
During the first two years of Ford’s sole ownership (1964-65), the draft defections continued. The Lions lost a first round pick (QB Pete Beathard) and two third round choices ( T Gerry Philbin and WR Fred Biletnikoff) to AFL teams. Philbin was a starter for the New York Jets in SBIII and Biletnikoff is in the Hall of Fame as an Oakland Raider. Only the merger of the talent draft with the AFL in 1967 saved the Lions from further embarrassment in this matter. Good thing too, because I find it hard to believe that Mel Farr and Lem Barney - the Lions’ first and second round picks that year - would have both signed with the Lions in 1967 had they been given other options. Under the leadership of William Clay Ford and Russ Thomas, the Lions did not spend money.
The Lions drafts under Thomas from 1970 through 1984 were largely horrid. For every Keith Dorney (1st Rd. 1979) and Billy Sims (1st Rd. 1980), there was a Mark Nichols (1st Rd 1981) or and Earnest Price (1st Rd. 1973). Thomas choosing FB James Jones with the 13th overall selection in 1983 while future Hall of Fame QB’s Jim Kelly and Dan Marino was still on the board is still a head scratcher. I guess old Russ thought Eric Hipple and Gary Danielson were good enough and Billy Sims needed a little help.
High profile holdouts and contract disputes were commonplace for the Lions during the 1970’s and 1980’s under Thomas: Charlie Sanders, Billy Sims, Bubba Baker, Barry Sanders, Chuck Long were just some of the names. In the 1990’s under Thomas protege Chuck Schmidt, things got even worse. Here is an excerpt of a column I wrote when I worked for Scout.com’s Lions site, before I joined Comp and Company and SpartanMag and Rivals in the fall of 2005:
Scout.com: Money Matters: Millen, Lewand Do It Right
“Chuck Schmidt, the Lions Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer from December 1989-thru-January 2001, was a notorious player of contract hardball. Year in and year out, Lions players, be they rookies or veterans, found themselves embroiled in contract holdouts. Some of the names from that period include:
Barry Sanders (twice)
Andre Ware
Lomas Brown (at least twice)
Kevin Glover (twice)
Robert Porcher
Bennie Blades (twice)
Luther Ellis
Ryan McNeil
Jeff Hartings
Bryant Westbrook
Aaron Gibson
Schmidt, who graduated with honors from the Russ Thomas School of Contract Armageddon, repeatedly placed either franchise tags or transition tags on veteran players. Then if things got testy when talks began (and they nearly always did) Schmidt would pull the Lions’ initial offer off the table and replace it with a much lower one.
One of the most infamous incidents occurred after the 1995 season. That offseason, after the Lions had already let Chris Spielman, Lomas Brown and Willie Clay walk in free agency; Schmidt fought with Bennie Blades over a new deal well into June before releasing him. By that time of course, many of the other NFL teams had already signed their free agents, thereby drying up the money pool.
The move put Blades in a major bind; and he was forced to re-sign with the Lions at a ridiculously lower salary for one final season before leaving Detroit to sign with the Seahawks in early 1997.”
It wasn’t until the Matt Millen/Tom Lewand era in the last decade that contract disputes and holdouts have become uncommon. It is one of the only things this franchise deserves credit for of late. Too bad that all that big spending has been on football players only their mothers could love.
As far as the facilities go, until Ford Field the Lions facilities were average at best. During the Silverdome days, because the Lions were in a shared facility, they would often get booted out of the Silverdome - onto an adjacent outdoor field or a practice bubble during bad weather - when concerts or other events came to the Dome. They had no real practice or training camp “complex” to speak of until the one in Allen Park was built. Ford deserves credit for Ford Field as well as the Allen Park complex. They are top-notch and among the best in the history of the league.
As far as sizzle decisions go, the Lions under Ford are ripe with them, especially over the last 15 years.
The biggest sizzle move, aside from draft choices, was the Bobby Ross hire. Ross was on the downside of his career when he was hired by the Lions in January 1997. The Lions wanted a tough guy to replace Wayne Fontes and went for a guy who was run out of San Diego because he refused to bring his offense into the 20th century. So Ross came to Detroit and within two years did three things:
1. Lost the entire Lions’ lockerroom due to the benching of Scott Mitchell two weeks into the 1998 season in favor of rookie Charlie Batch.
2. Alienated Mitchell’s favorite target and the greatest receiver in Lions’ history, Herman Moore, sending him into virtual exile by omitting him from the game plans.
After the debacle of a 5-11 season in 1998, the first courting of Matt Millen by the Lions took place. William Clay Ford Jr. led the charge and verbal agreement between Ford Sr. and Millen took place where Millen was to take over the team as the new GM. However, when head coach and defacto GM Bobby Ross threw a temper tantrum about Millen’s pending arrival; Old Man Ford reneged on the Millen deal and kept Ross for another season and a half, which led to number three:
3. Lions’ meal ticket Barry Sanders early retirement eight months later.
When Barry left, Ross struggled with a depleted and alienated roster - due to his and Chuck Schmidt’s mismanagement - for the next season and a half and resigned nine games into the 2000 season due to severe burnout.
Enter Matt Millen, two years after the 1998 backdoor deal was squashed by the idiot owner has never been able to get out of his own way.
We all know how that decision worked out. I don’t need to rehash Millen’s tenure. His record is beyond description. However, lost in the shuffle of the Millen debacle was what I believe to be the biggest mistake the Lions have made in the last 25 years.
When Millen arrived in 2001, he not only fired Gary Moeller - who just weeks before had been given a contract extension by William Clay Ford - Millen fired a man named Ron Hughes. Some of you may recognize the name. Hughes at the time was the Lions’ Director of Player Personnel. Hughes had held that job for a decade, a decade which saw Detroit draft players like Herman Moore, Robert Porcher, Tracy Scroggins, Jason Hansen, Willie Clay, Ty Hallock, Johnnie Morton, Luther Ellis, David Sloan, Stephen Boyd, Cory Schlesinger, Reggie Brown and Jeff Hartings. IMO, Hughes was the best player personnel man the Lions have had had since the 1950’s when head coach Buddy Parker ran the show and drafted and traded the Lions to three NFL titles.
Where did Hughes go after being fired by Millen. To Pittsburgh, first as a consultant and then in May 2003, he was promoted to the Steelers' director of college scouting.
Since 2003, here are some of the draft picks Hughes has brought to the Steel City:
2004: QB Ben Rothlisberger (1st); OT Max Starks (3rd)
2005: TE Heath Miller (1st); OT Trai Essex (3rd); OG Chris Kemoeatu (4th)
2006: WR Santonio Holmes (1st); OT Willie Colon (4th)
2007: LB Lawrence Timmons (1st); LB LaMarr Woodley (2nd); TE Matt Spaeth (3rd); P Daniel Sepulveda (4th); CB William Gay (5th); WR Dallas Baker (6th)
2008: RB Rashard Mendenhall (1st); WR Limas Sweed (2nd); LB Bruce Davis (3rd); LT Tony Hills (4th); QB Dennis Dixon (5th); S Ryan Mundy (6th)
All of those 19 players were on the Steelers roster when they won their second Superbowl in four years last February.
This is what Hughes had to say in an article back in 2003 about his time in Detroit.
Scout.com: Ron Hughes joins Steelers quest for ring
”I'm proud of what we did in Detroit. Did we win the Super Bowl? No," Hughes said. "But the NFC Central was the toughest division in football during the '90s. If you go back and look, the number of teams that went to the playoffs, the NFC Central had the most. And the NFC Central had the most wins over that 10-year span. That's not just three or four years, that's 10 years. Every year for 10 years, they sent two teams to the playoffs. Four times they sent three and two times they sent four. No other division has ever done that. It was very hard to win there."
Another thing worthy of note is how many Millen castoffs (Jeff Hartings, Charlie Batch, Chidi Iwoma, Travis Kirschke and Sean McHugh) have ended up in Pittsburgh. Hughes, Batch and Kirschke have two Super Bowl rings. Hartings, Iwoma and McHugh have one.
Of course we all know how many rings the Lions have.
William Clay Ford is a moron. He has always been a moron. And the Lions don’t have a snowballs chance in hell of winning until he is no longer in the picture.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Rod Marinelli And Matt Millen Are Only Michigan Residents To Find Work
I'm actually alright with Marinelli getting a job, he's a good position coach that was overmatched as a head coach and he seemed like a classy guy and players liked playing for him. Millen, on the other hand really has no business working on TV in the studio for now. Maybe as an anaylist he does where he can dissect plays and talk X & O's but the second he is critical of a team or organization for how they handle something personnel or coach wise, he should be canned because he has no credibility on that subject based on his body of work while here. I would probably be willing to let it slide if not for his faux interview with Dan Patrick about his time in Detroit. He came off as cocky and arrogant and never apologized for his actions. Yes he owned his mistake and the 0-16 record but I don't think it has sunk in yet just how crappy of a GM he truly was. Hopefully he will figure it out one day.
NBC could have done alot better in my opinion.
NBC could have done alot better in my opinion.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The Courage of Detroit
What a great article by Mitch Albom today in Sports Illustrated about Detroit and Michigan. I've kind of learned to not like Mitch over the last few years because of the stories that he's been writing but it seems lately that he has been on his game more and this is more evidence of that. It's a longer article (That's why I didn't copy it here) but worth it.
Enjoy
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/the_bonus/01/07/detroit/index.html
Enjoy
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/the_bonus/01/07/detroit/index.html
Friday, January 2, 2009
2008 Absurd Quote Power Rankings (From ESPN)
Gotta love the quotes from former Lions coach Rod Marinelli on there.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Updated: January 1, 9:45 PM ET
2008 Absurd Quote Power Rankings
By Patrick Hruby
Page 2
Anyone can say something dumb. But not every dumb utterance is so preposterously silly, so epically moronic, so downright Dadaist that it transcends everyday duncedom and enters the realm of classical, enduring absurdity.
Think: "Fade into Bolivian."
Think: "We talking about practice. Practice."
Think: "I'm a man! I'm 40!"
To honor the quotes that made it rain all over 2008, Page 2 proudly presents our year-end Absurd Quote Power Rankings:
1. "I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead."
Speaker: Roger Clemens
Context: During a national television interview, offered as a reason the former MLB pitcher couldn't possibly have used performance-enhancing drugs.
Absurd because: Offered with a completely straight face.
Numerical score: 100
2 . "That's my teammate ... (sniff) ... that's my ... (sniff) ... quarter ... (barely audible) ... back."
Speaker: Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens
Context: Talking about Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo following a playoff loss to the New York Giants.
Absurd because: T.O. was talking about a teammate, not a tragically cracked full-length mirror.
Numerical score: 99.9
3. "He's got to just stay to himself and swallow it ... because everybody wanna try the football player."
Speaker: Former NFL running back and Leavenworth inmate Bam Morris
Context: Unsolicited incarceration advice for former NFL quarterback Michael Vick.
Absurd because: Real quote ... or episode synopsis for HBO's "Oz"?
Numerical score: 95
4. "It's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds."
Speaker: Suspended Dallas Stars agitator Sean Avery
Context: Two of Avery's exes -- actress Elisha Cuthbert and model Rachel Hunter -- reportedly are dating other NHL players.
Absurd because: Avery summoned a camera crew before speaking and ended his comments with, "Enjoy the game tonight!"
Numerical score: 92
5. "Is it hard to swallow? Yeah, it's a big turkey going down my throat, a couple bones sticking in there."
Speaker: Then-Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli
Context: After the Lions' 48-25 loss to Green Bay in Week 2.
Absurd because: It didn't come after the Lions' 47-10 loss to Tennessee on Thanksgiving.
Numerical score: 91
6. "I think they do it to look good in the lobby in their three-piece suit."
Speaker: Roger Clemens
Context: The Rocket explaining why athletes use performance-enhancing drugs in the first place.
Absurd because: Clemens wore a two-piece suit to subsequent Capitol Hill steroids hearings ... thereby proving his innocence!
Numerical score: 90
7. "I believe in the invisible. I do."
Speaker: Then-Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli
Context: Explaining to reporters how he maintains faith in himself and his team despite a 0-13 record. Er, attempting to explain.
Absurd because: Inexplicable failure to also mention the Great Pumpkin.
Numerical score: 88
8. "Kobe, tell me how my a-- tastes."
Speaker: Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O'Neal
Context: During a freestyle rap at a New York nightclub, O'Neal taunted Kobe Bryant for failing to win a championship on his own. (On a classier note, The Diesel also blamed his former teammate for the breakup of his marriage.)
Absurd because: Beyond the "during a freestyle rap at a New York nightclub" part?
Numerical score: 87
9. "I used my pants to illustrate."
Speaker: San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary
Context: With his club trailing 20-3 at halftime, Singletary dropped his trousers during a locker room speech, the better to "dramatize" how poorly the 49ers were playing.
Absurd because: Prompted a sentence never before seen in NFL wire copy: "The coach was wearing boxers."
Numerical score: 85
10. "The only way to come back and make that be the right decision would be to come back and win a Super Bowl."
Speaker: Brett Favre
Context: Spoken during Favre's teary Green Bay Packers retirement news conference.
Absurd because: New York Jets playoff tickets are really hard to come by.
Numerical score: 84
11. "Mark my words: If Shaun Rogers is healthy, he'll be the NFL defensive player of the year."
Speaker: Former Detroit Lions president Matt Millen
Context: Millen sharing his football wisdom.
Absurd because: During the offseason, Millen traded Rogers for backup Leigh Bodden and a third-round draft pick.
Numerical score: 83
12. "Look, I don't want to win in the press. I want to win on the field."
Speaker: Oakland Raiders generalissimo Al Davis
Context: Uttered at the start of a news conference explaining the firing of coach Lane Kiffin.
Absurd because: Davis spent the rest of the conference ripping Kiffin to a roomful of reporters and a national television audience.
Numerical score: 82
13. "I truly believe that the reason I made the awful mistake and a few thereafter was because I didn't love myself enough to tell the truth."
Speaker: Disgraced sprinter Marion Jones
Context: Delivered on "Oprah" following Jones' six-month federal prison term for lying about doping.
Absurd because: Jones continues to be evasive about her doping.
Numerical score: 80
14. "We don't want our players hanging around with murderers."
Speaker: Indiana Pacers president Larry Bird
Context: Spoken after a man wanted in connection with a murder case was arrested leaving the home of Pacers forward Shawne Williams.
Absurd because: Duh Factor is off the charts.
Numerical score: 79
15. "I'm not 0-10! You're 0-10!"
Speaker: Then-Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli
Context: Responding to a reporter after a 31-22 loss to Carolina in Week 11.
Absurd because: That's it. We're beginning to think Marinelli needs to attend charm school.
Numerical score: 77
16. "I never even knew that was in the rule book."
Speaker: Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb
Context: Following the Eagles' 13-13 tie with Cincinnati in Week 11, McNabb admitted he had no idea NFL games could end in ties ...
Absurd because: ... even though he is, in fact, a professional football player.
Numerical score: 75
17. "[This is ] a trial by media ... this kind of circus really bothers me."
Speaker: Rep. Dan Burton (R-Ind.)
Context: During congressional hearings involving Clemens and steroids use.
Absurd because: Burton promptly grilled witness Brian McNamee in grandstanding, where's-the-camera? fashion, highlighted by Col. Jessep-esque blurt of, "I know one thing I don't believe -- that's you!"
Numerical score: 73
18. "I am a man possessed. Will do everything we can."
Speaker: Oklahoma City businessman/Seattle Sonics co-owner Clay Bennett
Context: Bennnet's response to a partner's e-mail asking whether Bennett could get the Sonics out of their lease early.
Absurd because: Bennett said in court that he was "possessed" to keep the Sonics in Seattle. Funny how that worked out.
Numerical score: 72
19. "Well, you know what? I still think I can. I do."
Speaker: Outgoing Syracuse football coach Greg Robinson
Context: During his final news conference, Robinson read "The Little Engine That Could" -- highlighted by a "I think I can" call-and-response with the team's play-by-play announcer.
Absurd because: Robinson's 10-37 record indicates a belief in the invisible.
Numerical score: 70
20. "I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death."
Speaker: New York Knicks point guard (technically speaking) Stephon Marbury
Context: Marbury venting over teammates' not caring that he has been banished from the Knicks.
Absurd because: When you earn millions to sit in the front row, death-before-dishonor is a bit overrated.
Numerical score: 66
21. "He has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body."
Speaker: Madonna
Context: What the pop star reportedly said about alleged paramour/New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez.
Absurd because: Equally applicable to J.J. Redick. Sans the insanely gorgeous part.
Numerical score: 64
22. "It might seem crazy, but I'm looking at this team five or 10 years down the road, and it is filled with good young players from the draft. I'm percolating coffee here. I'm not making instant."
Speaker: Then-Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli
Context: Sharing his thoughts on his team prior to the season.
Absurd because: Nobody told Marinelli his roster was decaf.
Numerical score: 60
23. "We all make mistakes. He needs a chance to make mistakes."
Speaker: Then-Indiana University basketball recruit Devin Ebanks
Context: Ebanks on recruiting violations committed by then-IU basketball coach Kelvin Sampson, who was subsequently dismissed.
Absurd because: Um, you mean even more mistakes?
Numerical score: 52
24. "Mr. Clemens, I am not an expert in any of these issues ... but you appear to be the same size in all of these photos."
Speaker: Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.)
Context: During congressional steroids/Clemens hearing.
Absurd because: Foxx almost demonstrated self-awareness.
Numerical score: 51
25. "Then why are you covering the [Washington] Nationals?"
Speaker: Presidential candidate Ralph Nader
Context: Nader to The Washington Post, after the paper decided not to cover his presidential bid because he had no chance of winning.
Absurd because: Come to think of it, this quote makes perfect sense.
Numerical score: 0
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Updated: January 1, 9:45 PM ET
2008 Absurd Quote Power Rankings
By Patrick Hruby
Page 2
Anyone can say something dumb. But not every dumb utterance is so preposterously silly, so epically moronic, so downright Dadaist that it transcends everyday duncedom and enters the realm of classical, enduring absurdity.
Think: "Fade into Bolivian."
Think: "We talking about practice. Practice."
Think: "I'm a man! I'm 40!"
To honor the quotes that made it rain all over 2008, Page 2 proudly presents our year-end Absurd Quote Power Rankings:
1. "I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead."
Speaker: Roger Clemens
Context: During a national television interview, offered as a reason the former MLB pitcher couldn't possibly have used performance-enhancing drugs.
Absurd because: Offered with a completely straight face.
Numerical score: 100
2 . "That's my teammate ... (sniff) ... that's my ... (sniff) ... quarter ... (barely audible) ... back."
Speaker: Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens
Context: Talking about Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo following a playoff loss to the New York Giants.
Absurd because: T.O. was talking about a teammate, not a tragically cracked full-length mirror.
Numerical score: 99.9
3. "He's got to just stay to himself and swallow it ... because everybody wanna try the football player."
Speaker: Former NFL running back and Leavenworth inmate Bam Morris
Context: Unsolicited incarceration advice for former NFL quarterback Michael Vick.
Absurd because: Real quote ... or episode synopsis for HBO's "Oz"?
Numerical score: 95
4. "It's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds."
Speaker: Suspended Dallas Stars agitator Sean Avery
Context: Two of Avery's exes -- actress Elisha Cuthbert and model Rachel Hunter -- reportedly are dating other NHL players.
Absurd because: Avery summoned a camera crew before speaking and ended his comments with, "Enjoy the game tonight!"
Numerical score: 92
5. "Is it hard to swallow? Yeah, it's a big turkey going down my throat, a couple bones sticking in there."
Speaker: Then-Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli
Context: After the Lions' 48-25 loss to Green Bay in Week 2.
Absurd because: It didn't come after the Lions' 47-10 loss to Tennessee on Thanksgiving.
Numerical score: 91
6. "I think they do it to look good in the lobby in their three-piece suit."
Speaker: Roger Clemens
Context: The Rocket explaining why athletes use performance-enhancing drugs in the first place.
Absurd because: Clemens wore a two-piece suit to subsequent Capitol Hill steroids hearings ... thereby proving his innocence!
Numerical score: 90
7. "I believe in the invisible. I do."
Speaker: Then-Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli
Context: Explaining to reporters how he maintains faith in himself and his team despite a 0-13 record. Er, attempting to explain.
Absurd because: Inexplicable failure to also mention the Great Pumpkin.
Numerical score: 88
8. "Kobe, tell me how my a-- tastes."
Speaker: Phoenix Suns center Shaquille O'Neal
Context: During a freestyle rap at a New York nightclub, O'Neal taunted Kobe Bryant for failing to win a championship on his own. (On a classier note, The Diesel also blamed his former teammate for the breakup of his marriage.)
Absurd because: Beyond the "during a freestyle rap at a New York nightclub" part?
Numerical score: 87
9. "I used my pants to illustrate."
Speaker: San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary
Context: With his club trailing 20-3 at halftime, Singletary dropped his trousers during a locker room speech, the better to "dramatize" how poorly the 49ers were playing.
Absurd because: Prompted a sentence never before seen in NFL wire copy: "The coach was wearing boxers."
Numerical score: 85
10. "The only way to come back and make that be the right decision would be to come back and win a Super Bowl."
Speaker: Brett Favre
Context: Spoken during Favre's teary Green Bay Packers retirement news conference.
Absurd because: New York Jets playoff tickets are really hard to come by.
Numerical score: 84
11. "Mark my words: If Shaun Rogers is healthy, he'll be the NFL defensive player of the year."
Speaker: Former Detroit Lions president Matt Millen
Context: Millen sharing his football wisdom.
Absurd because: During the offseason, Millen traded Rogers for backup Leigh Bodden and a third-round draft pick.
Numerical score: 83
12. "Look, I don't want to win in the press. I want to win on the field."
Speaker: Oakland Raiders generalissimo Al Davis
Context: Uttered at the start of a news conference explaining the firing of coach Lane Kiffin.
Absurd because: Davis spent the rest of the conference ripping Kiffin to a roomful of reporters and a national television audience.
Numerical score: 82
13. "I truly believe that the reason I made the awful mistake and a few thereafter was because I didn't love myself enough to tell the truth."
Speaker: Disgraced sprinter Marion Jones
Context: Delivered on "Oprah" following Jones' six-month federal prison term for lying about doping.
Absurd because: Jones continues to be evasive about her doping.
Numerical score: 80
14. "We don't want our players hanging around with murderers."
Speaker: Indiana Pacers president Larry Bird
Context: Spoken after a man wanted in connection with a murder case was arrested leaving the home of Pacers forward Shawne Williams.
Absurd because: Duh Factor is off the charts.
Numerical score: 79
15. "I'm not 0-10! You're 0-10!"
Speaker: Then-Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli
Context: Responding to a reporter after a 31-22 loss to Carolina in Week 11.
Absurd because: That's it. We're beginning to think Marinelli needs to attend charm school.
Numerical score: 77
16. "I never even knew that was in the rule book."
Speaker: Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb
Context: Following the Eagles' 13-13 tie with Cincinnati in Week 11, McNabb admitted he had no idea NFL games could end in ties ...
Absurd because: ... even though he is, in fact, a professional football player.
Numerical score: 75
17. "[This is ] a trial by media ... this kind of circus really bothers me."
Speaker: Rep. Dan Burton (R-Ind.)
Context: During congressional hearings involving Clemens and steroids use.
Absurd because: Burton promptly grilled witness Brian McNamee in grandstanding, where's-the-camera? fashion, highlighted by Col. Jessep-esque blurt of, "I know one thing I don't believe -- that's you!"
Numerical score: 73
18. "I am a man possessed. Will do everything we can."
Speaker: Oklahoma City businessman/Seattle Sonics co-owner Clay Bennett
Context: Bennnet's response to a partner's e-mail asking whether Bennett could get the Sonics out of their lease early.
Absurd because: Bennett said in court that he was "possessed" to keep the Sonics in Seattle. Funny how that worked out.
Numerical score: 72
19. "Well, you know what? I still think I can. I do."
Speaker: Outgoing Syracuse football coach Greg Robinson
Context: During his final news conference, Robinson read "The Little Engine That Could" -- highlighted by a "I think I can" call-and-response with the team's play-by-play announcer.
Absurd because: Robinson's 10-37 record indicates a belief in the invisible.
Numerical score: 70
20. "I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death."
Speaker: New York Knicks point guard (technically speaking) Stephon Marbury
Context: Marbury venting over teammates' not caring that he has been banished from the Knicks.
Absurd because: When you earn millions to sit in the front row, death-before-dishonor is a bit overrated.
Numerical score: 66
21. "He has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body."
Speaker: Madonna
Context: What the pop star reportedly said about alleged paramour/New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez.
Absurd because: Equally applicable to J.J. Redick. Sans the insanely gorgeous part.
Numerical score: 64
22. "It might seem crazy, but I'm looking at this team five or 10 years down the road, and it is filled with good young players from the draft. I'm percolating coffee here. I'm not making instant."
Speaker: Then-Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli
Context: Sharing his thoughts on his team prior to the season.
Absurd because: Nobody told Marinelli his roster was decaf.
Numerical score: 60
23. "We all make mistakes. He needs a chance to make mistakes."
Speaker: Then-Indiana University basketball recruit Devin Ebanks
Context: Ebanks on recruiting violations committed by then-IU basketball coach Kelvin Sampson, who was subsequently dismissed.
Absurd because: Um, you mean even more mistakes?
Numerical score: 52
24. "Mr. Clemens, I am not an expert in any of these issues ... but you appear to be the same size in all of these photos."
Speaker: Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.)
Context: During congressional steroids/Clemens hearing.
Absurd because: Foxx almost demonstrated self-awareness.
Numerical score: 51
25. "Then why are you covering the [Washington] Nationals?"
Speaker: Presidential candidate Ralph Nader
Context: Nader to The Washington Post, after the paper decided not to cover his presidential bid because he had no chance of winning.
Absurd because: Come to think of it, this quote makes perfect sense.
Numerical score: 0
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